Help Wanted!

I was about to thank heaven for hearing my prayer of finding a good nanny for my child when alas, the nanny backed out.

Really, I've been wracking my brains out figuring out why these things are happening to me. Everything seemed to not go according to how I want it to happen. I was about to land on a job when my nanny did not return from her vacation. Just when I found another nanny, she backed out and I had to postpone or cancel my job interviews again.

I remember myself saying "Lord is this a sign? Do really want me to be a stay at home mom?" There's nothing wrong about being a stay at home mom really. But I don't know if it's really good for me. If you were able to watch Sex and the City 2 (the movie), there was one part there when Charlotte and Miranda talked about their experiences on motherhood. Miranda told her friend that everything that she used to miss when she had a job (such as parent-teachers meeting, school parties, watching her son perform on stage) she can now witness. But as much as she loved his son, she missed her job badly.

That's exactly how I feel. I love my son to death. But as much as I love him, I miss my job. I miss the daily banters at work. I miss the challenge. I miss working. I feel like I'm getting rustic, old and pathetic day by day. I feel like my IQ is slipping away. Now I get excited by soap operas. I'm curious about who my next door neighbor is currently dating. I'm bored and I'm dying to find something exciting. Am I awful for feeling this way?

I tried talking to my husband about it. But he's so cool about it. Telling me that this would go away soon and just for me to keep on praying. I don't think nobody really knows what I'm feeling or going through.

Maybe, I should really learn to let go. To really embrace my current situation and just accept whatever it is God is offering me. Maybe I should listen more so I could clearly hear Him speak what His plan is for me. I must be babbling too much during my prayers that I forgot to listen to Him.

I hope I get a sign soon. I feel like I slumped. Lord help me to find joy in what I do. I'm beginning to dread it. I feel so frustrated, I literally shouted in my bedroom this morning.

Mommy Passed On the Trophy

I mentioned on my previous posts that I was the type of person who would literally go about any workplace challenge, take on any work assignments and deliver beyond what is expected when it comes to my career.

Today marks a turning point in my career. I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to work in a company that is included in Forbes Asia's Best Companies. I was offered the same job twice and I turned it down twice.

I didn't intend to turn it down the second time. But because I couldn't find a replacement for my nanny (who left without even notifying us) I had to turn down the job. I tried every relative, every friend who could accommodate my son even for just a week while I look for a new nanny, but to no avail.

I couldn't help but cry. I cried my heart out on passing out on an opportunity that I know would give me a whole new advantage on my career. I was literally tossing and turning on what to do.

I know the implications of my actions might get be blacklisted but at the time all I ever thought was the welfare of my son. The thought of leaving my son, of not being able to see how he is or what he's doing was killing me. I couldn't stand the thought that I would have to leave him to work.

I thought to myself "Is this really what motherhood is all about? About making sacrifices?" I mean here is my son with his innocent look on his face and he doesn't even know what's going on. I felt that I could give anything for my son. I can pass on any job but my heart will always belong with my son. I will always be on the lookout for what's going to be the best for him and not for myself.

I guess this is selfless and unconditional love discovered. No regrets whatsoever as long as I see that smile on my son's face.

Basic Crossroads to Ponder On

As I've mentioned on my previous blog, I'm used to being at work. So now that I'm at home taking care of my kid,  I'm always left with questions.

Should I temporarily focus on taking care of my boy and stop looking for a job? Should I let my husband do all the working and I will be taking care of our home? Will I get fulfillment from this? Should we just go back to the province and start a new life there? It's been taking me hours pondering on these questions.

I want to be a great mom. But I also want to be able to provide for my family. In a typical Filipino family, both parents who are working are sometimes not even enough to make both ends meet.

I've been thinking about lately and it's showing. I look at myself in the mirror and I look old, tired and hungry (not with food anyway.)

Will I ever find hope and a silver lining? And so I prayed and prayed.

First Entry - The Undomestic Goddess

So what's up with me doing my own blog. I must be so bored. But I never thought that this would happen to me. I've always pictured myself as a corporate goddess :-) willing to take on any challenge in the office and being able to reach the top. I've imagined myself in a bright office with a great view. 

But here I am now. Taking care of my kid. For the past one month I've been unemployed. My company has suspended it's operations and I just chose to be separated from the company. I was supposed to start in another company but I guess God has other plans for me.

So imagine the transition of being a woman who is used to the corporate set up being domesticated all of a sudden. It was alright at first since I had a nanny to whom I get to thank for quick breaks from taking care of my son. But then like any other nannies, she went on a vacation and never returned. She broke up (not literally) with us through text "hanap na lang po kayo ng iba."

 Everyone knows, I'm not the patient kind. I want things done easily and I always want to be in control of something. Imagine dealing with a two year old all of a sudden. A two year old, who doesn't know how to pee, doesn't know how to talk well and cries over anything. I found myself helpless with the things that had to be done over and over again.

 But I thought to myself, if other moms can do it, so can I. So I tried. I tried teaching my kid how to pee. I tried making him eat even if he detests. My husband knew that i was losing it. I couldn't sleep and eat. My mind and my mouth was literally avoiding all the unlikely meals that would be similar to the gross things that I saw. But he kept on reminding me that it's my kid. It does have some advantages. Like seeing him wake up and smiling at me when he sees me. Seeing him learn the basic things that I teach him.

 I prayed each night to have patience. And so for two weeks I did.