House chores: Will it ever stop?

I was sitting by the stairs. Watching the pile of dirty laundry, the unwashed dishes, the muddy floor and the toys scattered around the house. I was figuring out what to do first. Do I cook breakfast first, then give my son a bath, then do all the chores?

Then I sighed in exhaustion. Will the pile of dirty laundry ever stop from piling? Will I ever get a day when I will just wake up, eat my breakfast and juts sit around maybe read a book or two.

But alas, I find myself sweating badly and looking at what I had accomplished. I was able to manage and do everything in my what to do today list. I knew a nice long bath would be a great reward for this. I was about to do it, when my son heard me coming inside the bathroom and he hurried on following me.

Waaah! Do I ever get a break?

Then the evening comes, and my husband comes home from work. As usual he would put his shoes under the sofa, throw his used shirt near the laundry basket and ask what's for dinner. I breathed hard and told myself not to snap. But I  did. I was like an angry bear growling in anger. I couldn't stop nagging about how his actions give me extra work.

My instant reaction was, oh my God I was becoming one of those wives who nags and couldn't even take a good bath.

But I look at son, who still adores me. He looks at me constantly. Regardless if I'm sweating or I haven't take a bath yet, he smiled up to his ears and embraces me. Occasionally, he would kiss me on the lips then embrace. Then I know, it was all worth it.

Maybe it's true what they say. You never know what unconditional love is until you become a mother. They will never know the sacrifices you made. You just hang on to the hope that someday they would become the best person they could be and hopefully always eager to come home to the people who raised and love them dearly.

Help Wanted!

I was about to thank heaven for hearing my prayer of finding a good nanny for my child when alas, the nanny backed out.

Really, I've been wracking my brains out figuring out why these things are happening to me. Everything seemed to not go according to how I want it to happen. I was about to land on a job when my nanny did not return from her vacation. Just when I found another nanny, she backed out and I had to postpone or cancel my job interviews again.

I remember myself saying "Lord is this a sign? Do really want me to be a stay at home mom?" There's nothing wrong about being a stay at home mom really. But I don't know if it's really good for me. If you were able to watch Sex and the City 2 (the movie), there was one part there when Charlotte and Miranda talked about their experiences on motherhood. Miranda told her friend that everything that she used to miss when she had a job (such as parent-teachers meeting, school parties, watching her son perform on stage) she can now witness. But as much as she loved his son, she missed her job badly.

That's exactly how I feel. I love my son to death. But as much as I love him, I miss my job. I miss the daily banters at work. I miss the challenge. I miss working. I feel like I'm getting rustic, old and pathetic day by day. I feel like my IQ is slipping away. Now I get excited by soap operas. I'm curious about who my next door neighbor is currently dating. I'm bored and I'm dying to find something exciting. Am I awful for feeling this way?

I tried talking to my husband about it. But he's so cool about it. Telling me that this would go away soon and just for me to keep on praying. I don't think nobody really knows what I'm feeling or going through.

Maybe, I should really learn to let go. To really embrace my current situation and just accept whatever it is God is offering me. Maybe I should listen more so I could clearly hear Him speak what His plan is for me. I must be babbling too much during my prayers that I forgot to listen to Him.

I hope I get a sign soon. I feel like I slumped. Lord help me to find joy in what I do. I'm beginning to dread it. I feel so frustrated, I literally shouted in my bedroom this morning.

Mommy Passed On the Trophy

I mentioned on my previous posts that I was the type of person who would literally go about any workplace challenge, take on any work assignments and deliver beyond what is expected when it comes to my career.

Today marks a turning point in my career. I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to work in a company that is included in Forbes Asia's Best Companies. I was offered the same job twice and I turned it down twice.

I didn't intend to turn it down the second time. But because I couldn't find a replacement for my nanny (who left without even notifying us) I had to turn down the job. I tried every relative, every friend who could accommodate my son even for just a week while I look for a new nanny, but to no avail.

I couldn't help but cry. I cried my heart out on passing out on an opportunity that I know would give me a whole new advantage on my career. I was literally tossing and turning on what to do.

I know the implications of my actions might get be blacklisted but at the time all I ever thought was the welfare of my son. The thought of leaving my son, of not being able to see how he is or what he's doing was killing me. I couldn't stand the thought that I would have to leave him to work.

I thought to myself "Is this really what motherhood is all about? About making sacrifices?" I mean here is my son with his innocent look on his face and he doesn't even know what's going on. I felt that I could give anything for my son. I can pass on any job but my heart will always belong with my son. I will always be on the lookout for what's going to be the best for him and not for myself.

I guess this is selfless and unconditional love discovered. No regrets whatsoever as long as I see that smile on my son's face.

Basic Crossroads to Ponder On

As I've mentioned on my previous blog, I'm used to being at work. So now that I'm at home taking care of my kid,  I'm always left with questions.

Should I temporarily focus on taking care of my boy and stop looking for a job? Should I let my husband do all the working and I will be taking care of our home? Will I get fulfillment from this? Should we just go back to the province and start a new life there? It's been taking me hours pondering on these questions.

I want to be a great mom. But I also want to be able to provide for my family. In a typical Filipino family, both parents who are working are sometimes not even enough to make both ends meet.

I've been thinking about lately and it's showing. I look at myself in the mirror and I look old, tired and hungry (not with food anyway.)

Will I ever find hope and a silver lining? And so I prayed and prayed.